"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage and confidence in the doing."
-T. Roosevelt
As I stepped to the front of the room, I clutched a pen in one hand to keep it from shaking. Scanning the classroom of engineering students, I felt a wave of anxiety rising from my gut as 25 sleepy pairs of eyes looked back. My co-instructor, a PhD almost 20 years my senior, had just introduced me. Was it too late to escape and go barricade myself in the library? I was barely 30 and felt more kinship with the gum-chewing, bored undergrads than my co-instructor. What business did I have teaching a public speaking course anyway?! I wasn’t a public speaker! The irony of this gripped me like a vice. After a long pause, I began reading directly from my notes. Voice quivering.
It’s an erroneous assumption that confidence is a prerequisite to courage and achievement.
Yet, often new clients share:
“I need more confidence to…”
“How can I be more confident in order to…?”
“My confidence needs to be stronger so I can…”
In reality, the reverse is true.
Confidence isn’t the seed from which our great achievements spring. Rather, it’s the sprout that results from taking action, the bloom that grows after nurturing our aspirations. Stepping outside your comfort zone to learn a new skill, a new role or embark on a new endeavor.
When we channel courage and act on our goals and dreams, confidence is a bi-product.
It grows.
Unfortunately, it’s not instantaneous.
When I completed that first session, I rolled out into the Florida sunshine relieved I survived. Confidence didn’t greet me the following week, either. In fact, the full semester was a struggle: my insecurity and Imposter Syndrome in competition to get the better of me. By the 4th week I was becoming more proficient at breathing AND speaking (rather than speaking non-stop until I emitted a loud gasp for air), so my voice was stronger and more audible to the students dozing in the last row.
Truth is, most of us are not “naturals” when we attempt anything new. Embarrassment, disappointment, rejection can bruise our self-image and test the courage we’d summoned to follow-through.
There are strategies we can harness to strengthen our confidence for the next big attempt.
Modeling
Boldly forging your own way forward is not for the faint of heart. We’re not all Ponce de Leon swashbuckling through the Florida underbrush. Do you know anyone like you (similar age, background, or experience) who’s accomplished what you’re after? Better yet: have you witnessed them follow-through and succeed? The friend who applied and entered grad school, the work buddy who’s now leading a team and confidently speaking up in meetings or the neighbor who jumped industries and is thriving in their new job. Observing others like you who have acted on their aspirations, worked hard and risked themselves for a similar goal can strengthen your own resolve.
They’ve done it, why not me? Indeed. Why not?
Past Success
We all have challenges we’ve overcome and accomplishments we’ve labored hard to achieve. Don’t relegate these to a dusty shelf in your memory. Retrieve them when you’re beginning something new. What else have you succeeded at that was difficult? Maybe you aced a tough interview and landed a primo job offer. Pitched a project that was approved. Had a tough conversation with a teammate or manager that ended well because of how you handled it. Spoke up in a team meeting and changed minds.
Past triumphs are among the most powerful forces we can harness to build confidence.
You were successful in the past. You can and WILL be successful in the future.
Nurture a Tribe
Encouragement from others can fuel our confidence, too. We all have periods of self-doubt, particularly when adversity is circling. Rejection can knock us off our feet and lead us to question whether we’re on the right track. Nurture a squad of friends and family who believe in you without reservation. Lean on them when self-doubt strikes. Verbal validation, encouragement, and positive words of support are key confidence-builders.
Be mindful who you share your time with. Naysayers, pessimists and critics have fearful, dim views of the world that can seriously hinder growth. Transitioning into a new field, launching a new business or promoting into a new, demanding role? Make the people in your tribe a priority. You deserve encouragement for practicing courage and growing in new ways. Affirm this by protecting your time and sharing it with people who elevate and validate you.
Calm the Inner Critic
Speaking of critics, we all have one. When we’re stretching or practicing new behaviors or roles, this negative voice can get mighty loud. Note when the critic is most vocal—are you operating outside your comfort zone? Are you testing out new skills? What else is going on? Our brains are wired for predictability and routine. When we stray from what’s “normal”, this poses a threat our brains respond to. However, in modern living, the greatest threats to our wellbeing are not usually tied to activities stepping outside our comfort zone!
Calm the inner critic by coming up with a planned response or mantra: ‘I’m safe and successful’, ‘I’m smart and this is helping me grow’ or ‘I’m becoming a stronger, braver, more successful person.’ Meditation and yoga can also aid us in quieting the critic because they train our brains to focus on the present moment.
Visualize Success
Evidence abounds that imagining a successful outcome increases the probability that we’ll experience one. Whatever your new skill, role or practice, take 10 minutes a day in a quiet space to close your eyes and visualize what your life will look like when you’ve mastered this new chapter. What’s going on around you? What exactly are you doing so expertly? Who’s celebrating you? How does it feel?
Among the most successful leaders and motivators in our world rely on visualization to “practice” excelling in their roles. Research involving athletes, medical doctors and musicians has revealed the benefits of this mental practice. Try it out. You might be surprised at the results.
Control Stress Levels
When we’re anxious, nervous or stressed, we’re in an aroused state and our sympathetic nervous system has taken charge. Adrenaline and cortisol prepare our body for fight or flight and we’re less able to think critically and respond confidently to new challenges. We’re being prepared to strictly survive.
As confidence is reinforced through life experience, we need new moments of challenge and skill-building to grow. Offset the stress response by exercising in advance of potentially stressful situations. Although I now love public speaking, I always go running the morning before a presentation. Getting outside to exercise gives your body a double dose of goodness. Research shows that exercise offsets the inflammation caused by stress hormones and nature can improve our mood and cognitive functioning. Also consider cutting back on stimulants (coffee, tea, soda) on days when you’re practicing new behaviors or stretching outside your comfort zone.
Somatic breathing exercises can help, too. Spend a few minutes sitting somewhere quiet with a hand on your chest and the other on your belly. Then breathe deeply over the count of 5 for 3-5 breaths. This practice will slow your heart rate, draw more oxygen into the body and will relax you.
As for teaching, I did improve. That semester, I learned the material, received tips from seasoned teachers and have since taught a dozen different classes. I now love teaching and far more confident walking into a new classroom and engaging students. A 16-year overnight success. One day at a time. One confident-boosting experience at a time.
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