It started with troubling dreams.
I’d wake myself at 2:30, 3:15, 4:00 AM feeling deflated and tired from emotionally exhausting dreams. In one, I’d been responsible for a friend’s posh, stadium-sized wedding and a to-do list the height of the Chicago Sear’s Tower. Everything was unfolding beautifully until I failed to meet some crucial obligations. The dream ended with her infuriated family chasing me out of town. Stressful? YES!
In another, I was juggling priceless Faberge eggs someone faceless was throwing my way. The number kept increasing and I struggle to keep them all aloft. Then an extra arm and leg were tossed into the mix…as if to help?? Does the subconscious have a sense of humor?
I was working too hard. I was setting excessively high expectations. I was driving myself to achieve at the expense of my wellbeing. Worse yet: I had tied my work to my internal sense of self-worth.
Our Identities & Over-Work
How do you define yourself? Where does your work fit in?
If you’ve ever been laid-off, experienced a gap between graduation and employment or quit a job unexpectedly, you quickly learn how central a title and “occupation” are to your identity and sense of self. It can be a painful discovery. Yet, we’re so much more than our professional personas.
We’re multifaceted! Like shimmering gemstones, we have a multitude of sides and relationships and interests. Yes, work can be an important source of fulfillment and contribution. However, we each have the capacity find meaning in many realms our lives: friendships and partner relationships, creative hobbies, travel, cultural and spiritual experiences.
Yet, our society elevates and honors the lifestyle of working to extremes. Just look at the most esteemed and high-status fields in the U.S.--they demand it. MDs in residency, new lawyers, tenure-track academics: All are expected to labor far beyond 40 hours/week to advance. The academic aphorism “publish or perish” in some cases could be restated as “publish until you perish.”
Where does this skewed alignment of work with worth come from?
Origins & Enablers
Our nation’s religious heritage may partly be to blame. Historically, Protestant churches and the Catholic Church promoted disciplined hard work as service to God and a duty required of followers. Too bad none specified the work hours demanded for salvation.
Additionally, our belief in the power of the individual--as romanticized in the American Dream, perceived to be attainable by anyone--only reinforces this association of worth and work. Yes, individuals have great capacity to achieve. However, as we’re learning more and more, the American Dream has been but a fantasy for wide swaths of our nation. Does that render those who struggle to attain professional goals less worthy or worthwhile? Hell no! But our social discourse and racism suggests differently.
Both social media and online voices magnify the rewards of high productivity with the illusion that it can be accomplished without sacrifice. Countless headlines promote efficiency hacks and routes to earning big sums in a flash. Just scan the latest pieces in Medium for proof. Tim Ferriss’ runaway bestseller, The 4-Hour Workweek also springs to mind. As if all it takes is applying a formula to achieve enviable and profitable accomplishments with ample time to indulge in exotic travel with your beautiful offspring and perfectly toned abs.
Change for the Next Generation
The truth: it’s bloody hard as heck to manage a family AND a career and earn a living on the best day. I’m only a dog mom and it’s tough on the daily.
Most critically, we need to revise how we define worth and it's connection to work so that we’re modeling better values for the little people who are watching. Performance-based values are fine if you’re a machine, but they leave little space for the messiness and human-ness of life. They leave little space for celebrating the daily achievements (a client meeting that went well, getting the kids dressed and fed, reconnecting with an old friend) that can bring meaning, if we let them.
We need to investigate and understand our own drivers for achievement. Is it what we do, what we achieve or who we are that matters most? The latter gives us credit for aspiring, growing and doing our best, whether that produces a bestseller, an article we’re proud of or an amazing kid.
How to Start
What can you do to foster a healthier relationship with work, so that it supports your identity without dominating your personal sense of worth?
Take time daily to reflect on what went well. This can be through a gratitude journal, sharing with a colleague or spouse or reflective writing. Our lives are the sum of many single steps. Let’s savor those that were pleasurable, went smoothly or pleased us.
Reinforce boundaries between work and personal life. These have been compromised mightily during the pandemic. Even if you WFH, set a schedule and abide by it. Put work away at day’s end and stay off of email. Our families, partners and we deserve undistracted non-work time to nurture our other sides and relationships. Take it and don’t apologize.
Advocate and model healthy work practices for your team. If you manage others, demonstrate healthy practices (setting limits, taking time off) and encourage the same in those you supervise. New or junior staff may be sacrificing or over-working to impress or please you. Be clear about your expectations. Staff who are rested and invested in multifaceted lives are happier at work, more creative and more productive.
Praise kids for their effort –whatever the outcome. The misalignment of worth and work can start early. Kids who excel in academics can get wired for kudos attributable to successful outcomes—something that’s hardly guaranteed in the working world. Plus, misaligning personal worth with achievement can fuel anxiety and depression when circumstances change (a tougher class, a more competitive school). Acknowledging kids for their effort, praises them for something they have control over—how they address a challenge, whether academic or otherwise.
Hopefully this life journey is a long one. By fostering a healthier appreciation for our multi-sided lives and diverse interests, we can better enjoy the view from where we are, even as we aim for goals that stretch and help us grow.
Sleep better, too.
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