A friend cancels plans at the last minute, after already rescheduling.
A colleague dumps an extra assignment on you without asking if you have time.
A neighbor routinely smokes outside your open window.
What do these predicaments have in common?
Boundaries.
Selflessness is Unhealthy
In many cultures, women are taught to be pleasant, act as peacemakers and to be tolerant of others. In some societies it’s expected that women will be submissive and deferential to others. In these cases, socialization and the pressure of social norms can lead women to ignore their boundaries and preferences in order to meet community expectations.
In Western nations, there’s also evidence that girls employ language and behaviors that are cooperative and protective of relationships starting at early ages. Dr. Deborah Tannen, a well-known linguist who has studied gender differences, notes that when girls play they do so in small groups where everyone gets a turn and there is no clear winner or loser. She shares a study in which boys and girls were separately observed negotiating over a favorite toy. While the boys tusseled and argued almost three times as long as the girls’ conflict, the girls didn’t challenge each other directly. Instead they made suggestions and one attempted to divide the toy as a compromise.
This is not to say that women are inherently better at compromise or peace-making.
But if you’re a conflict-avoidant person who commonly seeks approval and willingly sacrifices your own preferences and needs for those of the group, you may want to take a close look at your boundary-setting. For most of us, playing the martyr seldom pays off with anything but frustrated expectations and growing resentment. In fact, the price of undefended boundaries can be rather high.
No Boundaries = Inauthenticity
In truth, we all have preferences about what we enjoy doing, how we want to be treated and spend our time. We’re each unique. What’s acceptable an interpersonal style of behavior and language for one person can be offensive or hurtful to another.
When we are silent about our boundaries, we’re essentially giving everyone else the opportunity to project their preferences upon us.
Instead of striving for understanding, we’re inauthentic. At the core, we’re pretending, self-sacrificing or “going along to get along.” This is fine occasionally. It becomes problematic when it’s your normal.
When we don’t establish boundaries, we’ll agree to commitments without considering our own needs and limits. Leading busy lives, this can result in feeling over-extended. We can grow resentful of those we’ve committed to, tell white lies to get out of obligations or harm our relationships when we inevitably drop the ball and don’t deliver on our promises.
But whose duty is this? Our loved ones, neighbors and colleagues can’t intuit our preferences and limits. We have to communicate them.
It’s Our Responsibility
When we’re silent, we’re still speaking. What we’re saying is: “Yes, this is okay.”
Whether it’s a colleague who routinely charges into your office uninvited, a friend who’s assigned you an unkind nickname or a family member who makes sexist jokes, we invite more of the same by staying silent.
In my 20s, I learned an early lesson in boundary-setting.
Marissa*, known for her unvarnished enthusaism and big heart, had invited me to a concert with her boyfriend. It was a popular band, but at the last minute, I backed out. Rather than pretend my flaking was okay, Marissa called me and was direct. She was upset and disappointed. Because of my poor timing, she had no option to invite another friend. I apologized and felt awful for a good 48 hours. By speaking up, Marissa vocalized how she prized commitment and reliability. It was an honest conversation. I learned more about Marissa and her boundaries. And my respect for her grew.
There’s a direct connection between how we define and defend our boundaries and how others treat us. We teach others what we expect from them.
With weak boundaries, we give up our power in relationships. We cede decisionmaking to others as if our vote has no value. Not so!
With weak boundaries, we’re more easily overlooked. Our voices and preferences are unexpressed and therefore unheard. Over time this can lead others to assume we don’t care. Not so!
With weak boundaries, we’re easy targets for the selfish, narcissistic and unhealthy. Manipulative and self-interested people seek out relationships with those who are easily steamrolled. Don’t allow it!
But what if you have a compliant personality, you’re uncomfortable with conflict or grew up around people who modeled weak boundaries? How can you tell in the moment that your boundaries are being compromised?
Know Yourself
If you struggle to set boundaries, a first step is getting to know yourself better. Practice personal reflection and raise your attention throughout the day. What encounters left you feeling confused or conflicted? Did you have interactions in which you felt tension internally, but stuffed it down? A conversation when you thought one thing, but said something completely different?
Pay attention and note the context. What specifically happened? Who was involved? What was discussed? What language and body language was used? Narrow down what may have triggered your discomfort, anger or annoyance. It could be several things.
It’s also key to know your priorities. What’s important to you at work, at home, in personal relationships? What do you want to achieve or create? Where are you headed?
Perhaps you value having a home that’s peaceful, beautiful and tidy. However, your loving and otherwise sensitive partner tends to leave dirty clothes in a trail across the floor. Do you pick up after them? How do you feel when doing so? Some people love organizing and cleaning, but if this leaves you angry, slamming drawers closed or hot with resentment it’s likely a boundary was crossed.
Listen to Your Body
Our bodies don’t lie. Whereas the mind can easily dismiss or explain away an encounter that was awkward or distressing, our bodies are honest. When we feel unfairly treated, under attack or threatened, our bodies react.
The signals can be subtle: From a fluttery feeling in your gut (like butterflies), a flushed face or increasing heart rate to sudden physical pain, clenched muscles or a tightening of your facial expression.
Our logical minds may brush away an interaction that produces such physical responses. “It’s no big deal!” “It’ll be alright.” Or my personal favorite: “It doesn’t matter.” If your body is reacting, yes it does matter.
Be Curious
Armed with a recent experience, consider sharing it with a friend who is a good listener. Have them share back what they hear. This can help you gain some distance from the issue, separate emotions from facts and may lead you to new ways of interpreting the encounter. Maybe it wasn’t the new work your supervisor gave you, but the abrupt and public way she assigned it that upset you.
Take some alone time to write and reflect. Be curious about the encounter and your response to it. Here are some questions to consider:
What is your reaction based upon?
What are the facts?
What are your assumptions?
What are you afraid could happen?
How would your most confident self handle this?
Knowing ourselves and recognizing our own unique preferences, priorities and desires is essential to understanding where our boundaries lie. In our next segment we discuss how to set and communicate boundaries with confidence and handle over-steppers who challenge them.
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For a more details and insights on boundaries, check out Maria Arapakis' Softpower: How to Speak, Set Limits and Say No Without Losing Your Lover, Your Job or Your Friends.
For more on the fascinating research of Dr. Deborah Tannen, pick up You Just Don’t Understand Me: Men and Women in Conversation.
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