Perfectionism is having a moment.
It used to be a term clouded in shame.
More recently, loud voices on the Internet have been redefining it with force.
"It’s good to be a perfectionist!"
"It means you have high standards."
"You raise the bar when others are heading to it!"
Well, it can also lead to depression, anxiety and poor mental and physical health.
The truth: Perfectionism runs on a scale. You can have doses that drive motivation (adaptive) or volumes that are toxic (maladaptive).
So when to celebrate that our internal standards are dialed to greatness? When to be concerned?
Read on.
The Paradox
Like many women, I learned early in the classroom and in life, that to present with care was to be praised.
This is the paradox of perfectionism. To achieve it or come close, brings rewards.
Praise from colleagues for our exceptionally high-quality work.
Validation from friends for our organized lives and tidy homes.
We feel confident and self-assured.
In the workplace, the line between perfectionism and a high attention to detail can be subtle, particularly in fields where quality, attention to detail and accuracy matter.
As a communications professional in my 20s, I worked on massive business proposals and promotional communications. In this realm, using incorrect language, missing errors or flubbing formatting could result in real impact: Lost business. So I learned to double-down on detail and stick tightly to high standards. A perfectionist’s playground!
As a researcher and academic, accuracy and attention to detail were paramount. By then, my perfectionism had spilled into tasks where flawlessness wasn’t crucial. There’s a difference between triple checking your stats output and ensuring that email is a work of art. Can you relate?
For some, the scope of our drive for flawlessness may not be consciously realized. It’s just an amalgamation of behaviors we’ve internalized as normal; it’s how we prepare to encounter the outside world.
Difference in the Details
Perfectionism runs on a scale. Some attention to how we present and perform is normal and healthy. We’re social creatures; being accepted and welcomed is important to all of us.
However, if you find that more than 3 of the qualities described are characteristics you carry, consider seeking support.
Intense internal criticism and self-doubt. You can ruminate at length on an error and let it spiral into questions about your capability and worth as a person. You may criticize yourself internally for hours, days or longer.
View life in extremes. A situation/project/outcome is either perfect or a spectacular failure. If a work product falls short, it feels like you’ve failed as a human being and are undeserving of support.
Indecisive. You magnify the importance of routine decisions, looking for what will produce an idealized outcome.
Procrastination. Taking action becomes much more daunting when your standards require an error-free performance.
Overwhelm. Perfectionists take longer to produce and complete work. As a result, a backlog of work can grow and overwhelm follows.
Over-emphasize productivity. Since accomplishments are what give perfectionists a sense of self-worth, productivity highly important. It’s tied to how they value themselves. More productivity = more valuable person.
Burnout. An inability to accept a flawed performance places a significant strain on perfectionists and saps them of energy. Over time, this increases their risk of burnout.
Aiming lower at work. You curb your ambition and resist new challenges out of fear you won’t meet your own standards.
If you’re relying on alcohol, food or other substances to cope with the stress of perfectionism, please seek licensed clinical support.
Softening Perfectionism: Evidence-Based Tactics
We’re each gifted one precious human we’re responsible for: Ourselves!
There’s enough toxicity out in the world (just turn on the news). Let’s make our minds and hearts sacred spaces. Let’s soften the sharp edge of toxic perfectionism and practice more self-compassion.
Here are other approaches to try on. See what strategies work best for you.
Rewind and Reframe
Research shows that shifting how we interpret challenges has a direct impact on our outlook and satisfaction.
Are we slapping ourselves repeatedly for that embarrassing mistake? Try a reframe instead.
What did you learn?
What do you known now that you didn't before?
Has this experience strengthened you in a new way?
Are you flexing your resilience? -- If you’re still in the game then, yes you are.
Meditation: Weigh-lifting for Your Brain
Mindfulness practices like guided meditation, walking meditation or silent meditation help build new mental pathways in our brains. We create distance between the tickertape noise (or “monkey mind”) and our intentional thoughts. Over time, we grow new mental “muscles” and can flex greater control over the thoughts we’ll give space to and what we won’t.
Studies show that mindfulness practices can be especially valuable for perfectionists who focus on flawless performances or appearances in order to be acceptable to others. If that’s you, try out meditation in small increments. Watch how your ability to cope with stress changes. It will.
Shift Away from Self-Blame
Catch the inner critic. Imagine your best friend making the same mistake. What would be the most loving response you could share?
Did you do your best? What was outside your control? What DID go well?
Let it go. I love a good ritual that seals this release. (Try writing the mistake on a slip of paper you can safely burn into ash. Do it a few times if you’d like. The concrete nature of this ritual can help your heart and mind move on.)
Alter Your Beliefs with Evidence
This is a practice I'm using in real time -- Taking new actions to challenge perfectionistic standards and then observing the results.
What areas of life is your perfectionism most burdensome and toxic? Where do you spend hours on a minor task or in preparation? Pick one and perform an experiment.
Test out flexing a new behavior:
Send an email that you know has a misspelling.
Go out in a less imperfect state (less makeup, mismatched colors).
Pick up a friend even though your car is "a mess."
Forward the report, the manuscript, the script. More can be added later (if needed!).
Check-in with yourself at the end of the day and capture “data.”
What happened? You might’ve felt very uncomfortable in the moment.
Did anyone else notice?
What results did you observe or experience?
Use this tactic to increase your tolerance for imperfection. The long-term benefit will be freedom -- The freedom to choose when you double-down on polishing and when you don’t.
As Toni Morrison writes in Song of Solomon:
You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.
If perfectionism is holding you back from expressing your creativity, owning your worth, or embracing your potential for greatness, know there is a better way.
Release that weight and let’s fly.
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