“If he leaves a wet towel on the bed one more time…” “Is it necessary that they chatter outside my office door?”
“I can’t stand it when she dumps work on me at the last minute like this!”
Your pulse quickens, your muscles tighten and anger, frustration and upset commandeer your mind and attention. What’s transpired? A boundary was crossed.
We all have boundaries or preferences in how we want to be treated, spoken to, and respected that are as unique to us as fingerprints. What may be acceptable to me may be uncomfortable or offensive to you.
Despite their importance, boundaries are only as strong as our courage in communicating them.
In our last article, we explored why communicating boundaries can be especially daunting for some of us and how to identify when a boundary has been compromised.
Today we’ll dive into best strategies for defining and sharing our boundaries with others. We’ll also unpack how to handle repeat trespassers—those special personalities who may require a blowhorn to hear us.
As well as advocating for ourselves, communicating our limits means we’re practicing authenticity through honest communication. We’re letting others know who we really are and what matters to us.
By communicating our expectations and preferences, we’re also demonstrating self-respect. We’re letting others know that our preferences and limits matter. After all, if we’re not willing to define our expectations, how can we expect others to see and respect them?
It’s like constructing an invisible fence and never turning the bloody thing on. Dogs will pee on our doorstep with abandon and poop in the walkway. Activate your boundaries by communicating them.
Preparing the Fenceline: What's Your Default Approach?
Learn your dominant style. What’s your default approach when your boundaries are crossed? What are the benefits of this style?
Style 1: Do you dismiss the trespassing of boundaries until you’re as expansive as a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade balloon and implode over a minor infraction?
Benefits: Others praise you for your “easygoing” nature. Usually this is restricted to a specific setting. You may find yourself imploding over family or close friends, instead.
Style 2: Do you hesitate to speak up and when you do are so delicate that the boundary isn’t a fenceline as much as a decorative accessory? A lawn ornament or garden gnome rather than a stockade fence?
Benefits: You’re seen by others as always polite and kind. But are you heard? Do you feel respected?
Style 3: Do you shoot to the moon whenever a toe crosses one of your boundaries, ready to commission a firing squad for the trespasser, who surely should know better?
Benefits: You get your way. Bullies do.
Get to know YOUR style and recognize that your default approach has benefitted you in the past. Letting go of these benefits, you’ll make way for healthier, more mutually respectful relationships.
Know You're in Control
Emotions are important signals, but that’s really all they are. Our moods and emotions are created internally and are as fleeting as the cloudscape.
Recall the last morning you were in a traffic jam. External circumstances could send your previously sunny mood, sinking.
What if you called a dear friend during that slow commute and learned they were pregnant?
What if your favorite audiobook was cued up to play?
What if your spouse called to say last week’s lottery ticket made you Jeff Bezos’ peer?
BOOM! Immediate mood change.
We are not our minds. Our minds are tools we can master with practice. We have the power and autonomy to determine how we feel and respond in action. Take back that control when boundary-setting. Watch external circumstances unfold with curiosity, instead. It’s a practiced skill and a powerful one.
Get Clear on the Facts
Before confronting a boundary crosser, get clear on the facts.
What did you observe, read, or hear? Was it direct or second-hand? What else could be unfolding? Is there another way to interpret the action, statement, or behavior?
Your colleague dumped a week’s worth of work on your desk during your lunchhour with a terse post-it declaring the deadline. What else could be happening?
· Is there a crisis unfolding you don’t know about?
· Did they need to leave the office suddenly?
· Were they distracted and drawn into another task on short notice?
What assumptions are you making? Be extra cautious proceeding based on assumptions. Humans are notoriously poor predictors of truth. If you need more evidence read “Floganomics”. Reams of research studies showing how terrible we are at predicting the future.
Approach the boundary crossing incident from as positive a stance as possible. We’re ALL monumentally distracted most of the time. Your trespasser may have no inkling they crossed a line and may be horrified to learn they had. Maintain optimism. It has a powerful way of becoming self-fulfiling.
Practice! Practice! Practice!
Before confronting a trespasser, follow the guidance of your stage director and hold a dress rehearsal.
What will you say? How will you say it? What will your body language reflect? What outcome do you ideally want? What’s the worst that could happen? What’s the best?
Write out a script for yourself and prepare for best and worst outcomes. Then practice speaking with a partner. Be sure to make eye contact and strive to maintain a calm, self-possessed pose.
Ensure your voice is at a pitch and volume that reflects calm and confidence. Often conflict avoidant or compliant personalities downplay their message when confronting boundary trespassers. This can lead trespassers to misinterpret the importance or seriousness of the message.
Strive to be clear. How would the best version of you handle this?
Taking Action
You’ve taken time to separate and regain control of your emotions. If the conversation is a daunting one, you’ve also given yourself space to practice and prepare.
Start by sharing your intentions and reasons for following up. This is an important step as it prevents ignorant boundary crossers from misinterpreting or magnifying your response.
“You’re not a bad partner. When you leave wet towels on the bed, it upsets me. I worry about the bedspread and spend time cleaning it, and then feel resentful.”
“I love that our office is social. When you gather here, the sound is distracting.”
“I appreciate your efforts to get work done. When you leave assignments for me with short turnarounds, it stresses me out and I’m not able to plan as I need to.”
Be clear about what you’re intending and what you’re not. If the trespasser is defensive and shares that their goals were well-meaninged, don’t take this as an excuse to avoid setting a boundary. Even the best-intended colleagues and loved ones need to hear where our boundaries lie.
Strive for clarity and avoid muddying up your message.
Practice will help you be exact about your limits. What do you want? What’s the best solution you see? How could this be prevented or avoided in the future?
Be direct in your request and succinct in your solution. Again, share it without emotion.
Bad Reaction...Now What?
You practiced, prepared and set the stage beautifully. Unfortunately, the boundary trespasser appears deaf. Your clear fenceline still appears invisible to them and internal warning signals are going off.
Repeat your limit. Tell them again: This is my boundary. Please respect it.
Wash, rinse and repeat until they affirm it or respond that they’ve heard you. With colleagues, it may be helpful to follow-up with an email. Again, clearly and succintly share your boundary. No emotions, just facts and a direct request for the future.
If your trespasser morphs into a defensive crouch, goes on the attack or otherwise reacts badly, resist the urge to mirror their energy. Stay as calm as you can. Breathe deeply. Acknowledge them and find some point of agreement. Strive to carve out a sliver (or more!) of common ground. Take time to regroup and approach them through a different tactic—use email, approach with an ally or…
Honest and authentic communication takes courage. It can also be revealing—of ourselves AND others. When colleagues, friends or family are unwilling or feel unable to comply with our boundary requests, this is informative. Use these insights to guide YOUR choices moving forward. These may not be professional or personal relationships that honor you, your values and limits. Pay attention.
We all deserve to be respected—boundaries and all.
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For a more details and insights on boundaries, check out Softpower: How to Speak, Set Limits and Say No Without Losing Your Lover, Your Job or Your Friends by Maria Arapakis.
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