In a world that’s increasingly divisive, colleagues who are conflict-avoidant, self-sacrificing and perpetually pleasant may seem like workplace unicorns: Rare, otherworldly.
As a career coach and consultant, I work with leaders on transition strategies, time management, and accelerating growth.
I’ve seen the damage that people pleasing can cause to work life and performance.
Achievers need time to think, problem-solve and get creative. If you’re busy fighting everyone else’s fires, you won’t have many resources left to plan your next big move or vision.
From a leadership perspective, people pleasing deserves attention. A growing body of research shows that disagreement can fuel for innovation and creative problem-solving. People pleasers have ideas, experience and opinions. However, they may be too taxed or fearful to express them. This cheats everyone.
What else do pleasers and their teams stand to gain by tossing off the platitudes and self-sacrificing behavior?
Honesty & Authenticity
People pleasing hides who we really are behind a veneer of likeability. While this can make us easy collaborators, it’s a fear-based approach to relationships. We act pleasant in order to avoid rejection or conflict.
By doing so, we prevent others from actually getting to know us. Being inauthentic, cheats our colleagues and us out of meaningful exchanges and relationships.
Plus, honesty and authenticity have heft. They show you respect yourself and others enough to be truthful about your opinions, preferences and needs. In most relationships, honesty is a practice that pays strong dividends over time.
Stronger Self-awareness
Long-term people pleasing can disconnect us from who WE are. When we’re constantly at work deciphering the cues and interests of others, we can become dulled to what actually lights us up. Our true preferences can get cloudy and unclear.
Recovering people pleasers can strengthen their self-awareness by tuning into themselves with curiosity.
The next time a colleagues asks for help or makes a request, consider:
What do I need to give up in order to do this?
Is it worth it?
What would I choose on my own?
Greater Energy & Visibility
People pleasing requires a lot of energy. What else could you do, how could you show up differently if you had that energy back??
People pleasing has another cost when we’re hired for our knowledge and expertise. Withholding feedback to protect our likeability--withholds our brilliance! We cheat ourselves of credit and impact and cheat our teams of wisdom.
Although increased visibility can be complicated, especially for women. Research at Stanford revealed that some women prefer flying “under the radar” as it allowed them greater space to be productive and fewer obstacles to progress. The cost? Fewer promotions.
Another cost of working hard with little acknowledgment or reward? Resentment.
Deflect Resentment
Resentment can result from feeling undervalued or overlooked. This can happen in anywhere, but the agreeableness and deference of people pleasers makes them more vulnerable. Some leaders may even interpret a people pleaser’s compliance with satisfaction or disinterest in growth.
People pleasers can also be easy targets for overwork, unfair requests or mistreatment since they’re unlikely to complain or push back.
Step out of this toxic pattern by using your voice, however softly. Ask questions when workloads or responsibilities are disproportionate or unbalanced—Why is this? What else is possible? What hasn’t been tried? There are always options.
Share your interest in growth and development with supervisors and practice “The Art of No” against those who tend to take advantage.
Get More of What You Want
People pleasers tend to do whatever's needed to get the job done. While this is As we progress professionally, those around us can better make use of our strengths if we’re honest. We also thrive when we excel—seeing the impact of our hard work, receiving praise and feeling fulfillment from our contributions.
Practice flexing your agency by expressing your preferences. One way to get over a fear is to test it. Choose a realm or two at work where you’re committed to expressing a request. Be intentional.
Provide feedback about your communications preferences—“My inbox gets over-full and I don’t always see your updates. Instead of emailing, let’s discuss progress at our weekly meeting.”
Opt out of a meeting or Zoom call —“My time is really tight. Can you attend and brief me?”
Protect time when you’re most productive for YOUR priority work. If you’re a morning person, tell others you’re unavailable until noon select days of the week. What afternoons work for them?
Share your preferences and experiment with alternatives. Explore what’s possible rather than assuming nothing else is!
Respect Your Time
Check in with yourself before committing to another obligation or task. Be aware, if you’re a lifelong people pleaser this can cause friction. Others in your life—at work and at home—have benefitted from your agreeableness. Be prepared for push-back as some may be unhappy with this change.
Setting boundaries is about fostering healthy human relationships. You’re teaching others how you want to be treated. People pleasing is shielding your preferences out of fear. It’s NOT healthy. It also sends the inaccurate message that your preferences are less important than everyone else’s.
For more on boundary-setting, click here!
Learn the Art of “No”
This is a big one for pleasers. You’re practicing courage and creating boundaries in one step. Hold fast: It’s absolutely justifiable and healthy to say no.
Warren Buffet famously preached that this one act separates the successful from everyone else.
Numerous leaders agree. This delivers two key benefits: It ensures you only invest in things that really matter; and when you commit, you can give your all.
One rule to the Art of No--Do NOT apologize. You may feel badly, and your decision may disappoint others. But in apologizing you're assuming a responsibility that's not yours to take. When you say no, you're simply exercising choice.
If this is tricky, try reframing your “no” in your own mind. By not accepting the invitation, you’re gifting the other person with an opportunity to flex their creativity and find alternatives. Your choice is, in fact, empowering them to explore other options. A win for all.
Whether you’re a people pleaser at work or throughout your life, you CAN become a better advocate for yourself and more authentically you. So much of our world’s pain right now—marginalized communities, violent acts—can be tied to perceptions of invisibility and unworthiness. Let’s break these patterns and model a more empowered way of being to create the change that’s so needed today.
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